A checklist of sorts.
Not to take away from the magic of that
first kiss, but let’s talk about what’s really going on in the beginning
of a new relationship. Before deep love has time to take root, we
experience strong infatuation, and it’s taking place at the
neuro-chemical level.
Two central chemicals are at play:
dopamine and oxytocin. First of all, dopamine is the feel-good,
foot-on-the-gas, got-to-have-it factor. It drives you to want to have
sex as soon as possible with your new love interest. When you do go for
it, you also encourage the production of oxytocin. Oxytocin is the
cuddle, bonding, unconditional love hormone.
Once you start having sex with a new
love interest, dopamine is supplying the kick and drive, and oxytocin is
causing you to fall in love. Having sex too soon in the relationship
will most likely have you bonding to a person whom you scarcely know
outside the bedroom, and who may be all wrong for you.
And guess what else? Dopamine goes
straight to the pleasure receptors in the brain, which demand more and
more to get high. How many women have told their friends that they know
he’s all wrong but still can’t seem to break away? Or what about those
couples who break-up because “it’s not working,” only to find themselves
returning over and over because the sex is so good?
You may be having good sex but you’re
not getting much else. So what are the issues you want to be checking
out in those first few months of dating? Here are 12 questions to ask
yourself before jumping in the sack:
1. Does this person seem happy? It’s
generally not a good idea to hook up with a person who’s basically
unhappy and looking for you to fill the void. Happy people know
themselves, their values and their interests, and have more to offer.
2. How is this person doing in their other primary relationships: family, siblings, best friends and co-workers? Sometimes
we ignore evidence of people being surrounded by chaotic and
dysfunctional relationships in the hope that we’ll be the one true
exception. This is probably not a good idea.
3. How did this person do in past romantic relationships? What
has been the intensity, frequency, duration and context of these loves?
Look for patterns that indicate their relationships have been
meaningful and have lasted for significant periods of time. They should
have a good, coherent explanation of why things ended, including both
parts in the demise.
4. Does this person show signs of being addicted or dependent on sex, alcohol, medications, or illegal drugs?
5. How many things about them are you really attracted to? There needs to be a lot if your relationship is going to last.
6. How aware are you of this person’s faults? If you don’t know them yet, it’s too soon to decide to be in love.
7. Who are you when you’re with this person? Do you like the way being with him/her affects your personality?
8. How deep, personal or intimate is the other able and willing to go? The relationship can only go as deep as the level of the least amount.
9. Is this person comfortable with interdependence, or does she/he have a fierce need to be dependent or independent?
10. Is he or she jealous and insecure about you? Never good.
11. How consistent is your level of interest in each other? Do you use sex to make up for boredom with the other’s intellect?
12. Is there a dependable degree of harmony? Couples don’t always see eye-to-eye, but overall, a relationship should be more positive and loving than negative and nasty.
Looking
for a good rule of thumb? Date for a few months. Get to know each
other’s dreams, values and goals over an array of circumstances. If
it’s right, sex will still be there — and it will be even
better because you’ll have cultivated a real connection. Here’s to
sweet, erotic bonding with the man or woman of your dreams.
Good one
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